What I’ve Learned in my First 25 Years of Marriage
May 8th, 2008 by Aaron from FullTiltMarriage.com · Be First to Comment
Today my wife and I have been married for 25 years. It’s been fun for us so far and I look forward to the years to come. Here are some of the things I’ve learned over the years.
Marry the Person You Can’t Live Without (and Who Can’t Live Without You)
Don’t settle. Don’t marry the logical person. Marry the person who fills you with lust, laughter and longing.
Everyone Marries the Wrong Person
No matter how well you choose each other, there will be a time (or maybe even times) when you are convinced things are so bad they will never be better. Recognize that this feeling is normal and in almost every case things WILL be better. Don’t make a permanent choice (like having an affair or getting a divorce) because of a temporary problem.
Marriage Isn’t About Sex, It’s About Partnership
You get married because you want to be there for one another over the long haul. Marriage says “I’ll be there for you no matter what happens to you. When you are weak, I’ll be there. When you screw up, I’ll be there.”
But You Better Have Lots of Sex
While marriage isn’t about sex, if you want to have a successful marriage you better have a lot of sex. Spontaneous, movie sex happens, but not too often. You need to plan time and energy to maintain an active sex life. Not only will you both enjoy it, it will create a stronger bond between you.
Date Your Spouse
Once a week or more have a date night. If you don’t have the money to “go out,” stay in and rent a DVD. Send the kids somewhere else. A few times a year—as many times as possible—go away for a romantic weekend.
Maintain Your Appearance
We are all going to age and won’t look like we did at 21. Despite that fact we can maintain our appearance. Dress nicely even when you are home with your spouse. Watch your weight and exercise. If you are a woman learn to use make-up. Men, try shaving—even on weekends. Not only will you feel more sexy, you will be more sexy.
Be a Cheerleader for Your Spouse
No, I don’t mean buy an outfit and roll play. What I mean is that you need to be the person who always believes in your partner and cheers for their efforts and successes. Your success as a team is highly dependent on how much you believe in your spouse and your spouse believes in you.
Let Someone Else Correct Your Spouse
When your spouse screws up—and (s)he will—chances are your spouse knows it already. Even if (s)he is not yet aware of their faux-pas, someone will be sure to point it out to them. Let it go. Let your need to be right go. They need to have you be a cheerleader, not a coach.
Make Time to Be Alone
Put the kids to bed. Every night. Get up early to have coffee together. Ride to the store together even when you don’t both have to go. The best indicator of marital happiness is how much time partners spend together.
Let Your Needs be Known
When you need something—whether it is a hug or a weekend with the boys fishing—tell your spouse. Don’t expect them to read your mind. Don’t think you are being selfish and “shouldn’t” ask. If you are going to succeed as a couple you need to be able to get your needs met in the relationship.
Supply What Your Spouse Needs
When your spouse tells you they need something from you, do all you can to provide it.
Trust Without Reservation
For your marriage to work you must allow your spouse into the deepest part of your life. Yes, they might hurt you. Yes, it can be scary. But that’s why you committed to them and they committed to you.
Have Kids Even Though You Can’t Possibly Afford Them
You can’t afford to have kids. Have them anyway.
Ask Your Spouse About Their Day and Really Listen
Ever day plan to take some time to let them talk about their day. Be their cheerleader (see above) and let them give you as many details as they choose.
Hope you find these tips helpful. Feel free to add any of your own below.
Art by Debi Levendusky
Rod Smith has taught family therapy and courses on related topics for various institutions, primarily The University of the Nations, in many locations around the world. His “YOU AND ME” newspaper column is widely enjoyed in South Africa where it has been published daily for almost to 7 years.
