Here’s a letter from a woman seeking help from other women. Please Email me with your suggestions:
“Until yesterday I was having an affair with a married man with children. I never pursed him. He pursued me like a wild man. He called me over 20 times a day. I caved in. Throughout our affair he told me how his wife didn’t like to make love. He said the fire was out. He liked to make love a lot every day. A few weeks ago his black book fell out of his pocket and I found it after he was gone. I thumbed through it and discovered his wife is pregnant. When he came back and asked me if I had looked at it. I lied. He has clearly said he and his wife were done having children. He is selfish and was expecting me to continue the affair even after all this. Has he lost his mind! I am so sorry to have ever gotten involved. Should I contact his wife and come clean or should I keep my silence? What would a wife want to know? Please if there are any wives in this situation: tell me what you would want me to do.”
Rod Smith has taught family therapy and courses on related topics for various institutions, primarily The University of the Nations, in many locations around the world. His “YOU AND ME” newspaper column is widely enjoyed in South Africa where it has been published daily for almost to 7 years.
So valued are Rod Smith’s methods of intervention that high-profile, highly conflicted families have flown him half the way around the world to assist in finding some manner of resolution to seemingly insurmountable dilemmas.
Rod writes the Difficult Relationship Blog and is available to help you with your own difficult relationship issues. You can reach Rod via email Rod@DifficultRelationships.com OR “RodeSmithMSMFT” on SKYPE.
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Picture is a still from I Am the Other Woman
on Dec 28th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
If you think your partner is cheating, make sure to check out Affair Tips for signs that they might be cheating!
on Jan 6th, 2008 at 8:25 am
for goodness sake keep quiet - leave the two of them to their own lives and dont make it worse than it already is. She is better off without that information it cant do her any good at all to know this and the information can never be taken back once she is told
on Jan 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
i have been in the wife’s shoes, don’t tell her. believe me, she knows all is not right and she has asked for none of this. you were a willing participant in your adulterous mess! suck it up, move on and don’t date married men any more. you know everyone tells you not to date married men, they don’t leave their wives!
on Feb 4th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Many times the motivation to tell the spouse is to alleviate our own guilt or to punish the person who “isn’t” telling. Neither of these are motivated by the good of the wronged person.
Darla, thanks for the comment. I couldn’t agree more.
on Feb 20th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
I disagree. I have been on both sides. I have been cheated on as well as have fallen in love with a married man who failed to share that little detail. I would have wanted to know about my husband. Other people in my town knew and didnt tell me. After I discovered it they all told me they thought I knew and just chose to ignor it. Well I didnt, I wish I knew, I wish the other women would have talked to me and told me what their relationship really was so I could have made choices based on the real story verses his lies. I divorced him as he continued to lie. When I found I was in love with a married man I wanted to tell her about the man she was really married to. I wanted to send her all the emails, the text messages and the cards , letters etc asking me to marry him , to buy a home with him etc. Once I sent him packing after I discovered he was married and she found he had been involved with someone for 7 months I thought she should know that he lied to her, that we had bought a home together, that we had spent every Friday together for months , that he pursued me and continues to. I think she should know what a liar and unfaithful self centered man she is with. He has told her he had a one night stand and that was it and she is desperate to keep the marriage for security reasons,. I would want the real story to make an informed choice. This man is back on line stalking women on a dating site allready. SHe deserves to have the truth so she can pursue a life without a man like this.
on Feb 28th, 2008 at 10:19 am
I would definaly tell the wife. I am married and I have suspected for months that my hubby is cheating or talking to someone. The only reason I have not left him is because I have no proof of cheating YET. I am ready to know and I am sure this wife would want to know. You would be doing the wife a HUGE favor by telling her. She has the right to make an informed choice. She probably already has suspicions of her husband cheating. You would just be confirming it.
on Apr 13th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
WOW, I have been on the same fence…both sides. Since this woman is pregnant, I would not risk telling her. Can you imagine how this might
affect the pregnancy?? Please just leave the slug and go on with your life.
Do not date any more married men.
Been there…done that, and it is heart-breaking and totally stupid on the womans end. You will get over it and look back on it as
a learning experience…but please don’t ruin the wife’s life, cuz you made a stupid decision to date her husband.
on May 22nd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
YES, she does need to know. I have been cheated on and no the wife does not always know. We had what I considered normal issues/problems. But, never did I think this man I loved so deeply would have done what he did. Yes, tell her. This will cause pain now, but it may save her from be cheated on for years to come. I wish the first person my husband was with told me. I could have done something before it went onto a second then third person. But, I found out several years after it all ended and it turned my life upside down. The longer she doesn’t know the more damage he can do to her & their kids lives.
on May 25th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Definitely tell her, and here’s why…
More than likely, there are other problems going on in the marriage. Deep seated problems. And it is very likely that he will do this to her again at some point, since he pursued you. And most men will not seek help unless they are “caught”. Most men in this situation will deny and never seek the help they need unless forced to. And she, as the wife is most likely very unhappy in the marriage, aware that there are serious problems but either may not know the cause or not have the proof she needs to confront her husband with the situation. So if you tell her, they will either separate or seek counseling. Being in this situation as a wife, I can tell you that either option above is so much better staying in a painful marriage.
on May 27th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
No don’t tell her…she probably doesn’t know, just like me. It has been over a year for me and it still hurts like it was yesterday. He will slip up just like my husband did and then she will know and can decide if she wants to work thru it or throw the bum out!
on Jun 29th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I tend to believe that telling the wife is a way to punish the
guy and also might be a way of telling her ‘I can’t have him
but you don’t really have him either’
My advice is to butt out and lick your wounds without
causing anymore problems…
Fran
on Jun 30th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I’m pretty much in the same boat,and I’m leaning toward telling her! I met this guy online,he said he was separated…he was in a marriage with no intimacy,blah,blah,blah…the same ol’ song and dance. He owns a few businesses and has alot of money,….he said he wants to get a divorce but has to go about it very carefully so he doesn’t lose all his money. He said his simple solution would be if his wife would just meet someone else and end it that way….I don’t talk to him anymore,but I think she has a right to know! She’s married to a louse…..Every woman has the right to an informed decision. I know what I did was wrong,and I’m not looking to tell her for any kind of closure. I was on the other side of the fence years ago,and I wished to God someone would’ve told me. This guy apparently loves his money more than his wife….she should know it…..let her take him to the cleaners for child support and alimony…let her live happily with a better man on HIS dime…Karma’s a bitch!!!
on Jul 18th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
I think every case is different. None of it is as black and white as some people make it sound. I was incredibly relieved when I found out about about my ex cheating (found his cell phone with the messages). I knew things weren’t right in the marriage. I never felt any malice toward his “other” woman. She’s not a bad person actually and I genuinely wish her well with him. I wish someone had told me sooner.
As for the kind of woman who is the “other” woman - well, John McCain’s current wife Cindy for one - so perhaps there will be a former “other” woman in the Whitehouse soon. Katherine Hepburn. Barbara Walters. Oprah Winfrey. Not all losers and not all immoral people. As Cindy McCain proves some men do leave their wives. I think a lot of wronged wives like to paint “other” women as stupid, desperate or immoral and talk about how rarely men leave their wives because it feels safer that way - and I’m saying that as an ex-wife. I don’t think “other” women break up the marriage in most cases either. In most cases I know the marriage was falling apart before the affair. A lot of women are just working so hard at keeping it together that they don’t notice it has become a one-sided relationship. Leaving people ignorant of important realities is rarely helpful.
on Jul 22nd, 2008 at 12:18 am
Don’t tell her!
She will find out and she should know but she shouldn’t find out from you! You don’t know her or their marriage or even him for that matter your apart of a part time problem or addition he has not his life. His family is his life. She will find out and than she will decide whether to leave him or not. He’ll slip up soon and he will have to confess. Besides she is pregnant and doesn’t need the devastation of hearing the worst thing posible in her emotional state. I am a recoving husband that committed adultry 5 years ago and I confessed to my wife. She forgave me after a while and today our marriage is a model for others. 60% of men cheat and 40% of women cheat in unhappy marriages. A word of wisdom from a man, be happy yourself but please your man. If you aren’t willing to please this man than after you leave because he cheated on you than what will happen when your in the next marriage or relationship and you become unwilling to please again? Men are all the same. If any man be unhappy he is vurnable. If you never want to be in this wifes shoes learn to be happy pleasing your man.
on Nov 19th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Why have an affair and yet you knew he was married breaking someone home. Go to hell and burn.You want to tell her coz you feel short changed. It is time to reap what you sowed. Seek God and repent