As you read this some of you are on the verge of giving up. You can’t imagine staying in the marriage. You’ve tried everything you know of and still you are unhappy every day.
Your spouse is just not the person you had hoped they would be—or not the person you need at this point in your lives. You look around and see other people who seem to have fulfilling marriages and you feel cheated.
You feel like it must be over.
I have some good news: Your marriage may not be as dismal as you think!
Before you give up on your spouse, it’s a good idea to start with why you married them in the first place.
Most of us pick a mate based on all sorts of criteria. The main criteria are often sexual attraction and emotional attraction. We have fun together—in and out of bed—and that’s how we pick a mate.
In addition we usually come up with all sorts of practical reasons to give out conscious mind the rational excuses to get our swerve on, but those are typically secondary to our subconscious reasons. Attraction plus logical reasons equals marriage.
But once we get married there is more on our plate than just sexual attraction. Sometimes, under the intense light of real life, we forget the positive reasons we married and start focusing on all of our spouse’s shortcomings.
Often, during these periods of forgetful mental criticism, we end up looking for the person our spouse is NOT and end up disappointed. She was carefree when we dated, now she seems irresponsible. He was a “lone wolf” who drove you wild, now he just seems to ignore you.
Before you throw in the towel think for a minute about who you married, why you married them and what that likely means for your future together. Chances are it will give you a much better (and more positive) picture of your future.
When we are picking a mate we tend to look at them without a critical eye. We love how their playfulness offsets our rigidity. We wanted to be more spontaneous. Sure (s)he lacked a little in the punctuality department, but who cares—(s)he made you laugh.
Keep in mind: Most of us marry someone who has a similar set of values to ours, but who complements ourselves rather than replicates ourselves. “Accelerator” personalities tend to marry “brake” personalities. Outgoing gregarious personalities tend to marry more subdued personalities.
So when someone marries a playful person, they are likely not as playful. They appreciate their spouse’s playfulness, but they themselves tend to be the follower in play. At first it seems great.
What we fail to realize is that playfulness is also likely to indicate a person who, by nature, is not going to be hyper responsible when it comes to things like showing up on time, finishing projects around the house or paying the bills.
Sure (s)he can make you laugh, but right now you are more concerned about your kids’ underfunded college accounts.
The key to finding happiness in your marriage again is this: Accept your spouse exactly as they are. Love the things that attracted you in the first place. Enjoy the things that attracted you in the first place.
Be willing to pick up the slack in the areas where your spouse in naturally challenged and free yourself from resentment.
Who knows, you must just enjoy being married again.
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on Oct 22nd, 2007 at 4:12 pm
“When we are picking a mate we tend to look at them without a critical eye.”
My vote for understatement of the century. People in love can definitely be blind.
on Nov 1st, 2007 at 3:26 pm
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on Dec 8th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Few years ago my marriage also was heading for the rock and divorce seamed as only solution,but I wasnt ready to give up and my partner also loved me. All we needed was change. We broke our everyday rutine and it helped us to fix our marriage
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